When Anger Is Sacred: Letting Go of the Performance of Being ‘Okay’
For much of my life, I tried to be “okay.”
I wanted to be seen as kind, calm, grateful. I learned early on that anger wasn’t safe. It wasn’t welcomed, wasn’t understood. And so, like many sensitive people, I tucked it away—under politeness, under silence, under the performance of being fine.
But the cost of disowning our anger is steep. It takes a toll on our sense of self, our aliveness, our worth. Anger isn’t something to fear—it’s something to listen to.
As a therapist, and as a person, I’m learning that anger can be sacred.
The poem below emerged during one of those moments of reckoning. A moment when I could no longer pretend that swallowing my rage was helping anyone—not me, not those I love. Writing this helped me feel more whole. I hope reading it helps you feel less alone.
an angry unfolding
(excerpt)
I hate
writing
poetry
I don’t know why.
maybe
because
I am angry
but I have it under lock
she’s silent, this anger
I shut her the fuck down
…
but
when relieved of its iron masks
anger, when belonged
by even just
me
I feel
it
in my hips
in the coils of my belly
the back of my heart
the depth of my brain
a welcome enough
presence
that can stream
a fuckin tasty truth
through the nervous system
home
to the spinal cord
like
a sort of unclenching
of fascia, of muscle groups
Anger.
hey. you
you don’t have to hold it all together.
plus:
you could be a pathway to
desires.
Why Sacred Anger Matters
When we treat anger as a problem, we miss its deeper message.
Anger often shows up when something we care about is being threatened. It’s a boundary alert. A signal of self-respect. A flare from the nervous system saying: Pay attention.
In therapy, I often see clients who are working hard to be good, to be liked, to be soft—but underneath that effort is a reservoir of unfelt rage. Not dangerous rage, but honest rage. And when we begin to let that anger exist—when we meet it with compassion rather than shame—something shifts.
We begin to feel more like ourselves again.
Gentle Reflection Questions
If you’re curious about your own relationship with anger, consider:
What did you learn about anger growing up?
How does anger feel in your body? Where does it live?
What becomes possible when you allow your anger to belong?
You Don’t Have to Hold It All Together
You’re allowed to feel. To be messy. To not be okay all the time.
If you’re on a healing journey and are curious about working with anger, emotion, or self-worth in a deeper way, therapy can help. I offer a space where your full self is welcome—especially the parts that have been told to stay quiet.
You are not too much. And you are not alone.
Connect here to begin your journey
